Colonel Mustang's Rules to Serve By
by Lou Nebin
Summary: Follow Team Mustang, through a battle simulation, as they give excellent examples of what NOT to do in the Amestrian Army.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Hello again my fellow FMA lovers. I am back. Perhaps not better than ever, but I am back. :D Anyhoo, This was written for the FMA Reverse Big Bang challenge on LJ (I actually finished this year! Albeit late...simantics...) I am dead dog tired from this huge move that I made yesterday so I will not be ranting tonight. A GREAT BIG THANK YOU to my awesome artist StarShiruke and my amazing beta SammyQuill (who unfortunately couldn't be here today). Both are amazing cheerleaders and I love you both! **

**Here's chapter uno. I will do my best to post a chapter a day, since it's a completed story. I won't make any guarentees. You guys know how my work schedule can be. Enjoy!**

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**1. Never challenge an alchemist, even in a battle without alchemy. You may get just what you ask for.**

Usually, when Riza Hawkeye shot at someone, they were scared of her and they left her alone. Well, she never really did shoot anyone just to scare them. She just shot at a spot that happened to be near their head but was far enough away so that, If they were to do anything but duck in the time that it took for the bullet to leave her gun and travel to hit a wall near them, it wouldn't kill them. This time, however, her shooting had an opposite effect. Lieutenant Sunova Herbert went from a loud mouthed, sexist pig to having a crush on the blond sniper in the three seconds that it took for her bullet to knock a picture off of the wall behind his head.

The man had been raised to believe that women shouldn't do anything aside from pleasure a man, let alone conduct a seminar on weapons safety, and he decided that he was going to tell her how much he disapproved of it in front of the entire group. He wasn't nice about it either. So, it was a shock to her when he approached her and asked for additional shooting training at the range and an even bigger shock when he began hitting on her, during that training. She promptly denied him, of course, choosing to ignore the mildly vulgar comments and not-so-subtle innuendos. However, it was very hard to ignore when he pulled one of those stunts in front of her commanding officer.

It was lunch time the next day and she had met Colonel Mustang, and Lieutenants Havoc and Breda in the mess hall. They had just met at the entrance and were about to get in line for food when a yell bounced off of the walls near them.

"Lieutenant Hawkeye!"

The group stopped and Riza turned around and could barely release a sigh before the sandy haired man stopped in front of her holding a rifle out for her inspection. From the corner of her eye she could see Havoc's eyebrow lift quizzically and, oh how she wished that she could smack the amused expression off of his face. Instead she ignored him and focused on getting rid of this man before her commander, who was standing on her other side visibly seething, got rid of him permanently. She should have known better than to tell him what was going on.

"What can I help you with, Lieutenant?"

"Well, I don't suppose you've changed your mind about having dinner with me? I could show you a good time." His thick southern accent coupled with his words was enough to make Roy's eye twitch. His wiggling eyebrow made Riza want to shoot him herself before the Colonel got a chance.

"No, Lieutenant. What do you need?"

"Well," His rifle took center stage again and the sneaking suspicion, that he was faking his deficiency in weapons knowledge just to get close to her, hit her for the umpteenth time in the last two days. "I was hoping that you could show me how to properly align my shaft." Her eyes closed and she took a quick breath when she noticed her superior mentally fly off the handle and Havoc and Breda's smirks turned into a fit of giggles that school girls would be jealous of.

"You better watch your mouth when you talk to her, Lieutenant." Roy's words may not have been harsh but the venom and power in his voice made them seem that way as he took a step forward in front of his Lieutenant. "Ladies are to be respected regardless of if they're wearing a uniform or not and you may not speak that way around one."

"I was talking about my rifle, Sir." The southern man was eerily calm despite the reprimand he had just received.

"I know exactly what you were talking about, Lieutenant, and your rifle was definitely not it. What is your name?"

"Sunova Herbert, sir."

"Lieutenant Herbert, huh? You're the charge that Lieutenant Hawkeye so kindly took on, who has been hitting on her, nonstop, for the last two days, with that disgusting mouth of yours, aren't you. I highly suggest that you find yourself a new teacher, Herbert, or you may not last much longer."

"What the hell is going on here?" A new face pushed his way through the crowd and Riza recognized him as the colonel that was in charge of southern headquarters. She snapped to a salute, along with the still giggling Breda and Havoc behind her. Lieutenant Herbert and Colonel Mustang remained the way they were.

"As you were." It was Roy who spoke. "Colonel Moft. I was just teaching your _rowdy_ Lieutenant, here, a bit on respecting ladies."

"Now why on earth do you think he would need that?" Roy's angrily turned toward him.

"He spoke to my Lieutenant in a way that I find extremely offensive and, as she has told me before, she does too." The older man smirked and looked past the younger colonel.

"Which one, Mustang? The red-head or the one with the permanent cigarette." Both of the men in question stopped their laughing and glared but Roy remained unfazed.

"All three of them."

"Sir, if I may." It was Lieutenant Herbert who had butted in and with a smirk on his face at his superior's joke. "I had only asked Lieutenant Hawkeye on a date and when she turned me down, I asked her a question about my rifle."

Roy directed his anger back to Herbert. "It was a little more than that," he said, but Colonel Moft ignored him. "Now, why would she turn you down, Son?"

Roy interviened. "Because she's not interested."

"And how do you know that, Mustang."

"She has made it perfectly clear, _Moft_."

"Well, I certainly don't hear her objecting. I think it's you who's not int'rested in letting your precious bodyguard go. All you alchemists must control everything including your s'bordinants. So how 'bout this. How 'bout we take that control away tomorrow?" Roy's eyes narrowed.

"What do you propose."

"The best of your team against the best o' mine. Winner gets the girl."

Riza tried protesting but Roy held out his hand to the colonel.

"You're on."

"One more thing Mustang," Moft said before taking it, "No Alchemy."

Roy smirked. "No problem." With that, they shook hands.

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**Please review if you have a chance.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: And here is the long awaited chapter two! I am dead now. Night!**

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**2. Never complain about your uniform it could definitely be worse.  
**

It was a few minutes after noon. The sun was high and sparkling off of the dummy buildings that had been constructed by Southern Headquarter's alchemists, not more than four hours ago. A group of soldiers waited at the beginning of their course for the commander to show up. He were late and no one was surprised. Roy Mustang like to make an entrance and a battle simulation wasn't going to be any different. So, as everyone stood and talked, Lieutenants Havoc and Breda and Edward Elric were checking things out. Havoc played with one of the modified guns, hanging on the wall. He pulled pieces off, inspecting them, and then started messing with the paint filled ammunition. Breda and Ed were near him pulling vests and coverings out of a large tin.

"I hope we don't have to wear these, I won't be able to move." Ed said trying a vest on. The one he grabbed was about twice his size and the hooks and straps hanging from it, nearly touched the ground. Havoc and Breda looked up and laughed. Breda pulled out a substantially smaller vest and held it out for Edward to take once he took the other one off.

"I think this one is for you." The younger alchemist snatched the vest from his hand and held it up for inspection. It was made different than the others. The Velcro still closed on the front of it but it had four open holes for the arms, at least that's what Ed thought they were for. The buckles and straps were nonexistent and the pockets were on the back instead of the front, like the others. The young alchemist turned it over a few times.

"Who the hell would be able to wear this, a dog?" The pair of lieutenants laughed again before Breda spoke up.

"It is fitting. We are dogs of the military."

"I have a hundred on Hayate joining us." Havoc said.

Breda nodded. "Me too." Edward shook his head. "There is no way that they would let a dog in here."

"Don't be so sure about that, kid. The challenge did call for Mustangs best soldiers."

"I still don't think that would happen." He thought about it for a minute. "You're on." Breda and Havoc exchanged a glance and Havoc smirked, reached his hand out to the younger blond, and shook his hand.

"I'm going to feel bad taking money from a kid."

"Hey!" Breda exclaimed, pulling something white from the bottom of the tin, and holding it up for the other two to look at. It was a pair of coveralls, long sleeved and plain white. Something that, if worn, would make you stick out like a sore thumb in the arena. "I wonder who this is for."

Ed smiled. "It looks like they were made for you."

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**A little bit o' Team Mustang banter. Just because it's fun! Thanks for reading. Review if you have a chance! (please)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: And here is chapter 3 and a little bit of Royai. It wouldn't be a true Lou story if it didn't have it. :D While I have your attention I'd like to take a quick moment to thank my awesome reviewers. I usually do this personally (and I will, promise) but I won't have another day off until this weekend. I think I'll wait until this is all over and posted and send each person a virtual cookie...hmm...**

**WrightingSadist**

**Dragonfire Alchemist**

**UniversalBunny**

**Also, I meant to do this at the beginning but this entire story is for Starship Artisan. I actually have been trying to write her a gift fic for about a year now and each time, it just doesn't come out right. So this is dedicated to you, my Ninja!**

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**3. Never question your commanding officer. You may not like the answer.**

Colonel Mustang and Lieutenant Hawkeye walked along the newely formed buildings on South Headquarter's parade grounds. Hawkeye studied them. If she hadn't known that they were constructed only a few hours ago, she would have thought it was a small town. Six tall buildings, all at least a couple of stories high, were lined up on two sides all labeled with letters. The buildings closest to her were labeled A through F and she assumed the other side was G through L. Vaguely, she wondered if the buildings were as realistic on the inside as they were on the outside but. She pushed that to the back of her mind. She did not approve of two grown men fighting over who she would or would not date and she fully intended to address the matter at hand. She was a grown woman and had made it perfectly clear that she was not interested in the lieutenant.

"Sir, if I may, this battle simulation is supposed to be for educational purposes. We did not design this to be a jousting tournament between two royals over the hand of the fair maiden."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Hawkeye, did you want to go out with Lieutenant Son-of-a-Bitch?"

"Of course not, Sir. But I would appreciate it if you would not use a training opportunity as a way to inflate your ego more than what it is." Roy stopped and spun to face her.

"Inflate my...wait. You think we'll win." It wasn't a question it was an accusation and he was right.

"Of course I do. " A tiny smirk nestled itself on her lips. "I know how you get when you are jealous."

"I'm not jealous! This will be a very educational exercise."

"Sure, and Lieutenant Herbert is a sharpshooter."

"It will."

"How so'"

"We will be teaching these cocky rednecks not to underestimate anyone."

"Do you honestly expect me to believe that? You get jealous if Fuery looks at me longer than a minute. God forbid someone ask me out."Roy crossed his arms knowing that she was right, but he refused to tell her that. He turned around again and started walking, ignoring her teasing. She followed and continued.

"Besides , sir, you have me on your team. I'll guarantee we won't lose."

"Oh, you won't be shooting."

"Excuse me?"

"In our meeting, last night, Colonel Moft said that he believes that this will be more fair if we didn't have the military's best sniper on our team and he suggested that we use you as the prize."

"Prize? Sir, I'm not a possession."

"I know, but we needed a way to determine a winner so if South shoots and hits you, they win and son-of-a-bitch gets his date. However, if they don't get to you and we eliminate everyone from their team, we win and there will be no more talk of dates, extra range time, or the adjusting of shafts whether they be rifle or not." The last part was said with a frown. "The good news is that you will be able to move around at your own will and you will have protection." From Riza's side her dog barked and she looked down, a frown on her face, to see her dog's tail wagging.

"Sir, Hayate is a damn good soldier but he can't carry a gun. How am I to keep myself from getting shot if I can't shoot back?"  
Roy smirked as he spoke his answer and Riza's frown deepened just from hearing the smirk in his voice. "Run." She sighed. "Or, you could stay with Fuery."

"It won't do any good to argue with you, will it."

Not saying anything, Roy just continued walking.

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**I hope you're enjoying this so far. Please review if you have a chance.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: I apologize, this chapter is a little (okay a lotta) short. I'll be the first to admit that this is kinda a filler chapter. I think it will be much better when my amazing beta finishes her thing... Another long day and laate night for me! Night guys!**

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**4. Never ignore the rules given to you. The consequences may suck.**

Roy stood in front of the men and women of the South, the soldier's faces blurred by the sea of white tee shirts, that each of them were wearing. His team stood behind him, each of them wearing black.

"The rules are simple," He said, "There will be no alchemy. The entire point of this exercise is to give each of you and idea of what can go on in a battle field, and not every battle will be with an alchemist." It wasn't an entire lie, after all. Not all of them needed to know exactly what they were competing for.

Riza grabbed a gun off of the closest rack to her and handed it to him as he continued. "These guns have been modified, by our own Lieutenant's Hawkeye and Havoc, to shoot out little balls filled with paint. Each of you will grab one of these, and a vest pack, on your way into the arena. You may only shoot at members of the opposing team and, if you are hit in a vital spot, you must leave the field into the pit, until the end. When leaving you must then raise your gun over your head, shout that you are hit, and then quickly leave the field to the dead area. If you are not honest, you will be called on it. There are two impartial referees on each side who will blow a whistle for each person that is out of the game. The balls will not make a large mark and it will be hard to tell just by looking at you, if you have been hit or not. So, if you feel the impact of a ball, leave.

South, your objective will be to capture Lieutenant Hawkeye. By capture, I mean, she will be moving around our side of the field and you must infiltrate our side, find her, and shoot her in a vital area. Our objective will, obviously be to protect her. We need this to be as real as possible to help you pinpoint any mistakes you, and your team may be making out in the field. Got it?" The small team, of about ten, shouted a 'yes sir' and each one left with a gun and a vest pack, filled with ammo. Roy turned to his team. "Are you ready?" Havoc smirked, stubbing the cigarette, that he was smoking out. "Let's kick some redneck ass!" Riza watched as Breda and Havoc walked out, animatedly telling Edward something, with Falman and Fuery behind them.

"Sir, You do realize that they're going to end up taking everyone from the south out and then go after each other, right?"

"As long as South is out." He said as he grabbed a vest and followed the other guys out.

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**And there you have it. Please, tell me how much this one sucked, if you have a chance.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Here it is Chapter 5, the beginning of all the fun. Enjoy!**

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** get too cocky. You'll always be shown up.**

From his seat on the loft of building J, Colonel Moft searched the opposing side, through binoculars, for any sign of his teams target. His modified gun was safetly stashed over his shoulder and he had his most trusted subordinate watching his back.

"Any sign of the target, sir?"

"Nothing Herbert. Just the human chimney and Hawkeye's dog. Why the hell do they have a canine as one of their men?"

"Not sure, sir. Either they're real stupid or real cocky." Moft laughed. In all his 23 years in the military, he had never seen such a dumb move.

"Must be a bit of both." Herbert chuckled with him before the commanding officer beckoned him to the window.

"Can you take him out from here?" Herbert kneeled down and rested his gun on the window seal. He tracked the dog as it paced back and forth. He took his time to take in his surroundings. The surrounding buildings blocked most of the wind to give him a pretty clear shot. There were, nor could there be, any obstacles in his way. His only problem was the power of his gun. Moft watched as the man sat up, from the window and started taking the gun apart. He knew better than to ask what the young soldier was doing. The kid knew more about weapons than his entire team combined. He watched slightly in awe as Herbert adjusted something and put the weapon back together.

"What'd you just do, kid?"

"I modified the gun to shoot a longer distance. At this range, I'd be lucky to hit that fake lamp post." the lieutenant kneeled down again and found his mark. His modification hadn't taken but a few seconds so the two hadn't moved much. He was all set to shoot when his commanding officer spoke again, interrupting his concentration.

"May I ask why you started this shenanigan in the first place?" Lieutenant Herbert stayed in his place but smirked when he answered.

"Lieutenant Hawkeye needs someone to put her in her place. Women should not be as... outspoken as she is." With that, he took his shot. He watched, with anticipation as it sailed across the small alley and frowned when the dog dodged it and both of the targets spotted him.

"Shit!" Lieutenant Herbert backed up quickly and threw his gun over his shoulder. "Let's go, they spotted us."

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**Oh, Herbert. That sneaky bastard. Please review if you have a chance.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: I lied, last chapter, when I said that was where the fun began. This is it! Well, this is where the funny begins. HA! Enjoy!**

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**6. Never underestimate how much a clever canine can come in handy. You will be in for a rude awakening.**

A puff of air caught Havoc's ear and he looked up, just in time to see Hayate dive out of the way of a paintball. Havoc pulled his gun to his shoulder and looked through the scope attached to the top. He saw a familiar shadow move from the window of building J. A sharp bark came from Hayate and the blond immediately followed the running shadows ran out of a door a few feet in front of them and he reached down and hit the button that connected his headset to the rest of the team.

"Hayate and I are in pursuit of two soldiers, building J." Mustang's voice cracked a rough 'copy' and Breda's popped up after. "I gotcha covered." Both shadows turned down an alley and he stopped to take a shot. His gun trailed a stockier, slower one down the deserted street and he shot. He missed, the ball landing on the ground just behind the figure. Hayate sped up as the guy neared the next building intersection. Havoc's gun followed the second shadow up a ladder and shot. The second guy threw himself to the side, off of the last rung and disappeared from sight. Not wasting a minute, Havoc caught up to the other guy who had his sights trained on Hayate. The dog backed up, growling, as Havoc showed up behind him and the man's gun moved to him. Colonel Moft and Lieutenant Havoc stood face to face with each other, Hayate written off by the colonel.

"So, what do we do now, Lieutenant?" Hayate bounded forward, the older colonel not noticing until the last minute. His hands flew up, in an attempt to shield himself, and his gun dropped in front of him as Hayate grabbed a hold of his crotch with his teeth. The colonel's face was contorted into a scream but all that escaped from his mouth was a small squeal.

"Ooooohhh," Havoc cringed and walked closer to him, his gun pointed to his chest. "That looks like it hurts." Havoc shot, hitting the guy in the chest, and he heard a whistle blow from the South's side. Hayate let go and ran off.

"Looks like you're out, Colonel," he said as he shot another soldier who was creeping around the corner."I'd get some ice, if I were you."

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**Go Hayate! Take a bite out of...er...crime. Review if you have a chance!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: Ok, so, this isn't the best Riza-kick-ass-moment but a FMA story isn't a story without one. :D**

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**7. Never under estimate a woman in the military. She can, most likely, kick your ass.**

Riza silently added the last whistle in her head. Eight. That meant that there was only two more Southern soldiers out there. She peaked around the corner of building B and moved quickly around, being sure that no one saw her. She jumped when a quick black streak darted arournd her and she spun around, prepared to strike an attacker. A small, happy yip brought her attention lower to the ground to her dog who was happily wagging his tail.  
"Hayate," she said, her voice lowered, in case a soldier was near, but gentle so he knew he wasn't in much trouble. "You know better than to scare me like that." She was petting his head when a large thump came from behind her. Quickly, she stood and turned around only to come face to face with the last person she expected.

"Lieutenant Herbert. I should have known." He smirked and moved closer to her, his gun pointed to her chest.

"Y'know, we wouldn't be in this mess if you had just agreed to dinner with me. You still have a chance."

"I though I made it perfectly clear that I was not interested in dinner."

"How 'bout something else, then, Riza." Hawkeye raised her eyebrow in question. "How 'bout this." She moved back to the wall as he moved closer, his gun nearly touching her chest. "How 'bout you let me show you how to insert a shaft properly and I'll let you go and let your team win." Her eyes narrowed.

"No thanks, I would rather you shoot me." Hayate jumped up and latched his teeth on his arm, distracting the sandy haired southerner so she could knock his gun from her chest. He screamed and shook his arm free while she slid behind him. The dog let go and almost immedietly he pulled his gun up and shot a paintball his way, hitting him in that back. A whistle resounded from the Eastern side.

"You're out dog." Hayate back up slightly but looked his mistresses way for direction, sensing that she was in real danger.

"Go on, Hayate. You have to follow the rules like anyone else." The dog bowed his head and ran to the dead man's area, his tail between his legs. Herbert spun around where she was, not even realizing she had moved, and Riza tried knocking the gun from his arms again. He quickly retaliated, grabbing her arm with one hand and tearing her earpiece from her ear and from it's connection on her vest pack. The plastic clattered to the ground, luckily catching the strap of his gun and pulling that with it, as he pushed her against the wall again. This time, a hand around her throat loosely and Riza's eyes widened.

"You will not treat me like that, woman!" He lifted his other hand and slapped her hard, leaving her cheek stinging. "How dare you step out of line!" That was the wrong thing to say to her. She moved her arm up and twisted her body so her arm moved his hands. She threw her elbow in to his face and hit him, producing a very satisfying snap. He released her and moved away, covering his nose and yelling obsenities. Quickly, she moved, grabbed his gun from the ground, aimed, and shot three times hitting him twice in the chest and once in the back of the head.

"You're out, dog." A whistle blew, from the south's side, signaling another person out and she vaguely registered the yells of the rest of her team, as they prepared to take out the last person, and knelt to pick up her earpiece.

"You bitch!" Before she could react, arms were around her shoulders and blood was falling onto her vest. "You're mimicking me now? You will not treat me like that! Know your place, woman!" He tried lifting her but she planted her weight to the ground and grabbed the handgun in her ankle holster. Not realizing what she was doing, he pushed her and she fell to the ground, on her stomach. He brought his foot up, above her head and, sensing this, she rolled over on her back and shot. The bullet went straight though his shoe and he fell backwards, with a yowl. Riza stood, her gun drawn, safety off, and pointed at him.

"I'm going to teach you something about the military. Physical and sexual asult, especially to another officer, is a crime bad enough for a dishonorable discharge. You may want to keep that in mind. Hayate!" The dog had been watching from near the dead zone and joined her at the sound of his name. "Go get help for Lieutenant Herbert." The dog yipped and ran off, showing back around the corner with an MP.  
"Good. Escort them to the dead zone." Another yip and She turned her attention to the MP. "This man tried to attack me. Get his foot looked at and escort him to a cell."  
The man saluted and lifted Herbert up by his arm.

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**Hope you enjoyed! Review if you have a chance!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: I am sooo sorry! I was on a roll and the BAM! Dog tries to eat me and makes me miss a post. :( and then three. I'm sitting here, now, in my Forever Lazy, curing my addiction for Psych,trying my best not to think of the six rabies shot waiting for me at the ER tomorrow (you though I was joking about the dog), and I'm beggin your 's Chapter 8 to make up for it.**

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**8. Never ignore your commanding officer. He might get too worried.**

A shot rang through the small arena and Roy turned his head towards the vicinity of the sound. The voices of his team, in his earpiece, echoed his thoughts exactly, what in the hell was that. It wasn't the sound he had grown used to over the last hour. It was a fuller bang than the modified weapons they were playing with, less pop of air and more pop of bullet. It was a real gun and the only person he could think of who would bring a real weapon was the lieutenant he was currently "protecting". He really hoped he wasn't right. His brain kicked into gear and he pushed the button to called out to his team.

"Report."

"Clear, sir." Fuery's voice.

"Clear, sir." Breda.

"All clear Chief." Havoc

"Clear, sir." Falman

"Wasn't me." Fullmetal.

A chorus of 'clears' rang from his two recruits but no Riza. He was starting to panic.

"Hawkeye, report." Silence. He let it sit for about 30 seconds. "Hawkeye!" he was worried, very worried but he had recruits on this line, so he made his voice gruff and started moving toward where the sound came from.

"Who has Hayate?"

"I saw him with Fuery last."

"Fuery?" the poor boy's voice showed up in his ear.

"He's not here, sir. I just tried buzzing her system and there's no response." Mustang didn't respond.

"Havoc, you're with me."

"Sir!"

"Fullmetal, let Horton and Dyer take your post and you take Havoc's"

"Alright" no argument from the oldest Elric was a surprise for the Colonel but he pushed that to the back of his brain as he took off runnng toward the area the noise had came from. He could hear Havoc's footfalls coming closer as he caught up. They had made it from building F to C before her voice was heard over their radio, sounding annoyed but not as if she was injured. He stopped running relief coursing through him.

"Hawkeye reporting, sir. Everything is fine, you can go back to your posts." Havoc had caught up and turned at the mans nod to head back.

"What the hell happened Hawkeye?" Roy asked

"Nothing to worry about, sir. Everything has been taken care of. You' ll be able to read the details in my report."

"Not good enough, Lieutenant. Meet me in building B in no more than 5 minutes." the line was silent for a moment. He imagined the exhasperated look on her face that usually came with a small sigh, on her part.

"Yes sir."

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**Not the best, I know. I'm still waiting on the betaed version. *coughcough* Sammy *coughcough* Please review if you have a chance!**


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